Caribbean Sea

I had my prayers... I ask god to make me a better person

honestly, I myself could get my correct definition of a better person.. can u? In these times I haven't posted anything, I've been getting strange dreams.. Well ofcoz dreams are juz simply dreams... and most of all.. experiences...

I came to learn that even the slightest brand new introduction can motivate as much and also if it build up as fast.. then it could juz collapsed as fast as well... to tell the truth.. learning dat.. it did broke my heart... that hurt well to my surprise stays pretty long.. but I can heal..=)

However, I still believe dat wutever dat we felt now are the effect or consequences from the choices that we make where we think it fits best... the trick here is dat when u believe u had make the right decision but still it turns out the way u dun want it to be... 

Well.. if u ask me... I'll say its the beauty of it...Nobody ever said things could never go wrong... dat is juz how it makes life unfair... atleast from ur eyes... 

In a situation... there's actually more point of views that u can imagine.. I'm pretty sure dat in one of those angle there is equality that make the world in equilibrium.. its a matter of wether u are aware of it or not... surely denial occurs when u refuse to see it.. I'm sure its there though.. 

Its juz sumtimes we have to have the guts to open our mind and give more options to ourself.. get opinions and suggestion but be careful not to blindly listen to others and make decisions that weren't ours.. we have to make it our own so dat if anything goes wrong we learn and we grow if it gets better we'll be triple times happier... the credits are all ours.. haha..

The point here is dat.. much of us dont believe in ourselves anymore.. and that scares me.. either dat or their insecurity is too high and they try to cover it all up by braggin bout everything and putting others down... now dat is unfair... 

I mean c'mon.. be true to ur self... the only person that need to be straighten up is urself... aint dat obvious dat ur covering sumthing.. wutever the reason or excuse that lead to ur being so defensive it doesnt really matter.. I'm sure it gave a hell of true in it.. coz to me if u think ur dat gud... does ur actions makes u any much gud.. or does it turns u into great? u can say as much yes... but haha... the jokes on u then...

All I'm sayin.. dun lie to urself.. be brave to make decisions... live with it.. embrace it.. be let down by ur own decision... be devastated.. learn from it.. pick urself up..do better next tyme and move on...

finally.. let it cycle naturally.. =) 

WHY??

asal eyh everytime i try to do sumthing nice its just turn out to be as bad as it gets. Da thing about my concept of nice is simple, ur sincere of what u do and does not aspect anything in return. 

I try to teach myself to be as sincere as possible of anything that i do simply because if anything goes wrong along the way I wouldnt get hurt as much. It seems to me that rite now i have done something nice (ofcoz from my view) but i end up getting angry at... I was like... What the F***!! See... 

Dat for sure is an angry feelings... Da question is back from the start... Do I really sincere of my 1st actions? Or the person whose angry at me is to be the wrong doing... it is always easier to blame others from what to be unfavourable event... But that is something else... 

In this situation, i make the call first... is it me to be blame? As a human being, i never would have thought of the how consequences would be like... as I remember.. I was fine from the first round untill entering the 2nd round.. But right now Im just plain mad.. I just dun noe what the basis of madness about but what I do noe right now is that I am mad of that particular thing that particular detail from the conversation... 

Does that basis really matters?

I know no matter what actions that we take we have to be ready with any consequences that might turn out for us... but this one... c'monn.. bullshit... I noe my action are probably inappropriate but to reflect that kinda attitude to me? appropriate?

If u wanna be that kinda person who give people back the way U always did

then be my guess

Although that kinda respond that I got was really unpleasant but I just gonna take it as

who U really are.. Im not asking to change who U are.. Nonetheless, there always some loopholes for

some evolution and revelation  what so ever to make ourselves to be a better than who we are rite

now.. 

I mean u can think like kid and at the same time be grown up

e.g.. u can have all the emotion that a kid have...

 angry, happy, love, playful, enjoyable, dedicated in games, sad, useless, proud, comfortable, save, freedom, imaginations

being a grown is actually much simpler... 

u noe how to take control every feeling from the above said... without over doing it

cause then u would be a control freak

I noe I try my best to be the person I wanna be and be moderately acceptable by people.. I telling u 

it is one of the hardest task for mankind ALLAH had ever made for us. 

C'mon give it some space.. there non much room for attitudes... give me some slack

take a break would ya..

Peek a Boo

Hey, recently i have just finished a book called The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rebenfeld. generally, i love the novel so much coz the outline and arrangement also the growth of characters in the novel have splendidly been fictionized, fantasized, brought to life into one's mind. one perfect word could describe it was brilliant. Well that novel i was talking about was given to me as a present by my beloved boyfriend which delightfully and generously understand how passionate i am about these kinda books.

The story was generally bout a psychologist, a Dr. which get tangled up i a love affair with his patient and found himself in the middle of solving a mystery of murder case and twisted mind of a criminal so as criminal to be. The most interesting part of the book is that it covers a lot of psychological manner of human being and how deep a seed of inception is buried to one mind till that one self doesnt even realize that they have a dark rival or an agony to have such vengeance that could drive one to absolute madness. The beauty of it is dat, that particular one could be anybody or even the most in control person u've ever known.

Another movie that closely related to those sick mind tale is shutter island which i've watched it like last year. great movie.. love it so much. Ah.. yes i remember another movie with the same actor... crap.. whats his name... leonardo dicaprio.. the movie is inception.. The most recent was The Black Swan witch i just watch it yesterday. I must say, that is yet another twisted movie which j'adore. 

Those movie is hell of brainstorming. It feels like when u walk out of the theater hall u'll be thinking what and how much contribution it take to loose a grip of ur own mind. And when u wake up in the morning u'll be thinking is it possible those sick things happen to me. I love these kinda movie so much because it almost tells us the truth about how our mind works. See, there is dark and horrifying days that we just want an eraser and erase it off our memory or have the simple delete button. 

Those memories that we have sumhow make us fell embarrassed about ourselves to ourselves. we just cant get enuff of not telling people about the skeleton inside the closet of our life until we juz have to take matters on our own hand and force ourselves to forget our own memories. Sumhow there are some who had successfully press the delete button and eliminates the memory. Either the turn to be entirely crazy like a deadly epidemic  or bacteria breeding inside the brain attacking the person causing that person to have sick habits or being a zombi even (thats a metaphor... =D). 

The nature of human instinct just simply survival even to own mind. Looking at a denial point of view, a person might think dat.. its crap and its not true. I'm not saying its entirely right but try to ask urself is there any and i mean any memory that u wished not to even remember it but sumhow it still lingered in ur mind sumwhat look like its teasing u telling u dat u make a fool outta urself... or simply talk behind a person's back to what u said for the sake of conversations or the ugly truth about the person u've been taliking about..(by right u noe actually, rationally and sumwhere deep inside ur heart ur sayin to urself there is no way that person is better than me or i no the right things better that u do or i want to tell the world about how bad u are, ur flaws and people wont notice my own dirty and embarrassing imperfections)... that's what im talking bout... its there right.. hehe =D

To me, embarrassment is one thing, denial is another thing... these two things cannot be in one room. it proves that it is so hard to have a sacred peace without any denial unless that ur insane.. according to my mum... its easy... sembahyang je... doa tenangkn hati, dirahmati, turunkn hidayah, bukakan pintu hati... it does work u noe.. its juz dat my rebellious mind tells me there must be an explanation beyond twisted and complex mind of a human being. logically, no wonder god make it in portion of two and each one of it so freakin tangled up. i am so right eh? haha

So find out ur hideout... ur beach... ur sky ur... ur retreat.. ur paradise... ur getaway.. ur heaven.. inside ur mind it'll help u not to seek therapist one day..